I have discovered that I am just the same as I always was. I have no sense of self worth most of the time. It's awful. It's like I consider myself lucky when a guy wants to sleep with me. Like, who would want to sleep with me? This must be what my subconscious considers. It does not pause to consider that maybe if the person were worth sleeping with, he could wait to get to know me better before getting into my pants. I mean, I like sex. Of course it feels good. But that isn't why I do it - it isn't the physicality. It's the feeling of not being alone, or feeling wanted. Because for some reason I don't think I am good enough unless I have sex with someone. I am not sure exactly why or when this started. I mean, I guess sometime during the time I was with Andy. But still, it's stupid, because I am over him, I mean, I don't really think of him anymore. Sometimes, as a passing thought, but not like..oh, I miss him, oh, I loved him so much, sob sob sob, etc. So why does this remain? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can I not take my own needs and wants into consideration before I think of some random guy's? I mean, this is your average situation with me. I think I have issues:
I drive 20 min both ways to visit this guy while he is at my acquaintance's house (I have, by the way, already slept with both of them). I give them rides places. I let them drink my alcohol. I stay up all night long. Enchanted. I want to hear what he has to say, I want to touch him, I want to be with him, I want to have sex with him. Wonderful, right? Wrong. I have to work today. I slept for 2 hrs. Maybe. What do I get for recognition? Nothing. I mean, he's like, I am not looking for a relationship, go have a boyfriend, etc, wouldn't bother me, fine. That's just grand. Wouldn't bother me, either, if I found the right guy. But what he says after is what gets to me: "But if you get bored, I'll always be here. I'll be your little spark." It's like, what? What? That isn't all I want, you know. I don't want you to be my spark. I don't need that. So leave me alone. Oh but no, I can't just go. I can't just say goodbye, let's never talk again, I can't deal with someone like you. Because I am fixated on him, in some odd, mysterious way that I myself cannot explain. Why do I endure being so unappreciated? Such condescension? I just tell myself I am being dramatic/ridiculous. That hookups are like that. That's how it is. So why do I still do it? I can't stop.
I did it the night before too, stayed up most of the night to sleep with some guy. I don't even care about this guy! But I drop what I am doing and do what he wants. Because I don't want to be alone. But what am I? Like, do I have anyone right now? No. I am sitting in the dark in my kitchen typing. It's great. No one misses me. No one is typing out silly, unabridged weblog entries about me. What. Ever.
It's like I am trying to fix them. The more problems they have, the better, the more I want to be with them, the more I want them to want me. Like if I can make them better, I can make other things better. But I can't. I can't even deal with myself. I can't deal with my insomnia, my eating issues, my lack of self confidence and ambition these days, I can't deal with my social awkwardness, or how I procrastinate or drink too much. I have no discipline. It's like...I have to remain ambiguous. That way I can fit into any category, impress anyone. However, this comes at the expense of retaining an actual identity. I don't..really have one. I guess. I hate it. I hate myself. Right now. Ugh.
I want to be thin, I want to be beautiful. Then perhaps I wouldn't have to work so hard to feel appreciated. But maybe it'd just be worse. Whatever.
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